Going into the holidays, it’s common to realize, suddenly, how much you are wrestling with your own identity.
From the moment you return to your old stomping grounds or gather with family you haven’t seen in a while, you may step right back into a version of yourself that you used to be. You may find yourself acting and reacting in ways that you haven’t in years. Your old responses seem automatic and preprogrammed—and they stir up waves of complex emotions.
These old behavioral patterns can feel simultaneously welcome and unwelcome—comforting and threatening all at once. As you begin to process what is happening to you, you may start to recognize the contradictory feelings making the situation so electrified and complicated.
In this situation, it’s common to feel disingenuous—like the things you are doing, and the person you are embodying, are not representative of the “new you”.
You may, however, be unsure how to bring the “new you”—who you really are—to your family or old friends. They are expecting you to be who you are to them, who they have always known you to be. You may feel like they are always looking at you through the filter of the past. You feel stifled. Underestimated. Straightjacketed by their expectations.
On the contrary, some of these old behaviors may be welcome, and feel very integrous to who you are.
As you slip back into your old persona, you may find yourself reconnecting with parts of yourself that you have lost. You might feel that in the hustle and bustle of life, and in the rhythms of your current relationships, parts of you that you love have faded away. You may recognize them calling back to you, and wonder why you left them. And so, you may find yourself unsure of how to resurrect these parts of you in your life now.
These old, but deeply genuine, parts of you don’t seem to fit with the people you spend time with now. It’s no easier to introduce your old self to your new circle than your new self to your old circle.
This leaves you with one foot in each world—who you are now versus who you were, with no one who understands all of you. The cognitive dissonance between the two can be deafening. The disconnect can be deeply lonely.
Meaningful Connections That Disarm Loneliness
Know Honesty was formed out of a desire to build deeper, more meaningful connections between people through openness and honesty. This inherently disarms loneliness, and brings people together so they can experience and accept each other holistically.
This is a beautiful and worthy aspiration, but is often highly messy in real life.
Many interpret “honesty” and “openness” as a license to spill their guts without tact or strategy. During the holiday season, it will be tempting to do one of two things.
One, hide—simply slip into whatever facade serves you in present company, and never share your full self with anyone.
Two, fight—throw yourself out there in the most raw form possible, and dare those around you to accept or reject who you are.
Ultimately, neither of these approaches are an effective path towards true connection. When you hide, you refuse to give the gift of your real self to the world, and you inherently help put one more brick on the wall that separates people from each other. When you throw yourself at people without warning they may become defensive and feel caught off guard, causing them to add another brick.
The best solution, I have found, is to take the “next honest step”.
The Next Honest Step
People can be slow processors of change, especially if they don’t understand what it means to be open and honest. One thing that I’ve been discussing at length with my counselor is the process by which people change.
First is the “precognition” stage. In this stage, a person is gathering information, mostly subconsciously. Their mind, body, and heart are beginning to put together the puzzle pieces to realize that they need to make a change, but their mind hasn’t realized it yet.
Second is the “cognition” stage. In this stage, a person has realized that they need to make a change, but they’re still thinking about it. They may be working through logical justifications, excuses, and methods to figure out how the change fits in with their life.
Third is the “action” stage. In this stage, people take fledgling actions towards this new change. These actions may be halting, faltering, messy, and inconsistent. But, they are building steam.
The fourth and final stage is the “resolve” stage. In this stage, the person realizes that the change they have begun to implement brings good results, and they understand how to implement it into their life. They have made the change a habit, and they are now resolved to making this change a part of who they are.
This process can take time to become reality. That’s why it’s ineffective for us to throw new information at people and expect them to change immediately. They need to go through the process for the new information to truly become part of who they are.
It’s worth introducing your true self to the people you love. It’s worth sharing your new self with your family, and it’s worth sharing your childhood roots with the people most current in your life. But it may take them time to understand and accept—and that is okay, and normal.
So, my strategy is to take the “next honest step”. Identify one way you can express part of yourself—and share it, with kindness and honesty. Don’t worry about managing whether the other person accepts it or not. Don’t spend time trying to convince them of your opinion or exhaustively explain every angle. Simply share what you think and who you are, and let their process begin.
Taking this next step will help you be more open and honest—you will feel more free as you let more of who you are be known by the people in your life. And it will give the other person the gift of trust—trust that they may have the capacity to understand part of you they did not know before, after all.
Relating to others can be difficult. It takes courage, intentionality, tact, and strategy—and it is accomplished over a long time horizon, not over the course of a single holiday meal. But it is worth it, and often so much more possible than we believe with our short-term mindsets.
Take one step towards more openness and honesty today—I’m excited for you to share and discover more about yourself, and understand and connect to others better.
Connection between human beings is a messy process—but it is the most beautiful, sacred thing we have.
Guest post by Cameron Embers
Cameron Embers is the CEO and managing partner of Emberly Digital, an award-winning web and software development company out of Grand Rapids, Michigan. He and his team developed the Know Honesty Assessment application. Cameron lives with his wife and stepson in the Grand Rapids area, and appreciates honesty, connection, and depth.
